day by day...

it becomes harder to erase those thoughts on my mind. . .

Honestly, i really am tired of living already. . .

Maybe, just a little bit of push, and i will no longer be on this earth anymore...

I really, really am tired of living. . .

It's me again. Yes, ranting the stuff in my head...

it's 11:30pm. Jc life starts tmr. . .

I cant sleep. so many things running in my mind. it's killing me. slowly. every single damn thing.

feeling v useless, and all these emotional stuff cant just... easily end... it sucks.... its really killing me from the inside, just that its gonna be a slow death.

really need some motivations in life... really.. really... idk.. i dont really know what i want... full of mixed emotions...

it's like, i know i've done my best in everything, and really have tried my best, but it just seems that... while i did my best, i was expecting 'about-the-same-thing' from......yeah....
i really dk why am i suddenly turning into a freak.... idk...

i've no idea when my time will come...

maybe i should just .. think about what i've done.. and then just go and die.

What went wrong....?

Back from work... damn exhausted.. :X but damn lucky that Head Chef drove me and two other ppl home... well, not exactly to home, but its damn good enough to drop me of at YT mrt already... THANK YOU SO MUCH CHEF! ^^

had fun with Chef , crapping during the car ride... then it came to a topic about relationships...he talked about how BAD guys are and how guys should be a player in relationships... ( =.= ) bullcrap. haha! then he started revealing that his marriage was a failure, and all those... it was kinda sad.... but i really think that he's a good father. really. he called his son, " bro " while he was on the phone.. ._. cool dad man.... ._. haha! and yeah. he talked much more about his life during the ride...

then it came to the point that i suddenly start to think back, and appreciate what i have now... the feeling of being loved by someone, and all those stuff.. it's really a priceless feeling.. really...

i may not know the challenges that's gonna be waiting for us in the future, but all i can say is that, " as long as we're trying, i'm staying " . . . . i really am, wanna commit myself in this r/n. i really do, honestly... and i really proud of having you as my girl... i really do...


till here then. :)

nights ppl, and have a merry christmas ! God Bless You All!

192 DAYS OF LOVE: will it end, or will it carry on... ?

The sweet things, and memories that we have so far, is just beautiful. i hope, it will continue this way... after this year.

Been thinking about what Leonard told me about JC life: lifeless, living hell.

Really hope to spend lots more time with you before i got posted to my JC/Poly/MI next year. Really hope that we don't hope that we don't have to have long-distance relationship next year. Because it is scary. Both of us would not know if we miss one another, or we have forgotten about each other. No, hell no, i don't want this to end. I don't want to start all over again, with another person. Hell no.

But i cant be too selfish ; you ought to spend time with your friends too.

Really, the thought of another guy having you is really really painful. I've been trying to not to think too much, but my efforts are really futile. Maybe, the Drum Major post i got last time causing me to think so much? But then again, i cant fully blame that post for my current personality. Maybe it's myself. Or again, maybe its just part of growing up? I cant be sure though.

I keep telling myself: If i want to have those fond memories relived again, i must be the one who steps up, and make it happen. Yes, i miss the old " us " somehow. We're more childish back then. And yes, i love it. It's really enjoyable. Really. After all, love is supposed to be childish anyway, right?

I don't know why. I've been feeling rather down lately, rather easily hurt. But yeah. I guess, i'm good in faking after all huh. Yeah.

Really hoping to be able to spend New Year's Eve with you. . . .

That's all i've got to say, my dear blog. Thank you for listening to me at 12 midnight. I guess, i've let everything out ? or maybe not? i don't know. I don't even know myself.

Ended with a drop of blood. Till next time. . . .

It's not the same thing when your parent curse you, as compared to when your friends curse you. Its really painful. Especially, when you do your best to make them happy, yet they don't appreciate you. It is even more painful when your parents are more biased to your relatives or siblings, and give them more special treatment than you.

It is really painful. It hurts. It kills. I miss being treated as a human. I really am. I've not been able to feel being treated as a human being for sometime already. It hurts.

It hurts to keep that smile wide, when you're actually destroyed inside. It hurts to keep on crying every time. It hurts not being treated like a human. It hurts to be so weak.

I really feel that i'm like a punching bag. Hurt me. Destroy me. And then leave me.

It hurts, to be alive.

Lord, don't just only give me your strength... Give the Gulf War Veterans, those Muslims in the Arab countries, children of Chernobyl, and many others whose life is not as fortunate as mine your strength too...

They need it more than me....